i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What drink are we having for lunch?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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