I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
