I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
