My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
