I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
