Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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