Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
