If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
