He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
