Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
