I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
