Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
