It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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