You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Please don't give away my fajitas
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
