Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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