Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
