I need help removing her.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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