Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
