someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
