Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
