and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
