I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
