is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
