So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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