a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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