Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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