Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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