is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
