woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
