I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize