Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
