it hurts more in the daytime
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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