sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
