so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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