is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
