FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
