His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
