I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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