Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
