"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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