the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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