You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
