i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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