When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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