I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
