I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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