The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
