I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
