Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
