Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Randomize
