Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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