Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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