New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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