"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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