Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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