I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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