I think my fart just growled at me.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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