my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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