she looked like the before picture.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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