i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
