You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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